Holiday Office Party Klingon Translation Guide

Or, How to Speak Business in your Published Service Catalog

My prized possession is a coffee cup from Star Fleet Academy, where I graduated Summa Cum Last.   Well, that and my space heater which I’m not supposed to have under my desk. Let’s keep that secret between us.

Among the many useful things I learned at the Academy, including how to prevent Tribble repopulation, play 3D chess, and look intensely sexy feigning a Vulcan mind meld with attractive men in jumpsuits, is the mastery of the Klingon language.

Quch QI’lop!

That roughly means HAPPY HOLIDAYS. Rough, because both Happy and Holidays have no place in the Klingon culture, so I improvised with Pidgin Klingon.

While working with IT organizations around the world I have found fluent Klingon to be quite useful. There is a hidden society among our ranks. You know who you are. You with the glue-on ears and burning desire to huskily say, MAKE IT SO.  (Note the boldly intentional split infinitive.)

When I hear my IT friends talk to their business customers, they are essentially reverting to their Klingon comfort zone. We cannot underestimate the importance of communication in the success of your Service Catalog project. If your business customer doesn’t understand what you’re saying, you might as well retire your thrusters and settle into a lonely existence on Caldik Prime.

I have prepared a useful guide to help in these situations.

Holiday Office Party Klingon Translation Guide		Handy IT to Customer Translation Quick Reference
The thing you say you do	Klingon	What your business customer is thinking	Consider framing it this way
Clustering	Ghom	Cluster Frack. Whatever it is, I want it now.	Scaling When it Counts As part of this valuable service we make sure our servers can handle the highest volumes of data to accommodate a growing business.
High Availability	Availability ‘Itlh	Hi yourself. I want it now.	There When You Need it. Our processes are designed to provide minimal interruptions to service during critical business hours.
Evenly distributed infrastructure costs	Jech nob may infrastructure costs	I’m not paying for it.	High Value Services Because you share common costs with other business units, we are able to keep our rates below market while providing  quality services.
99.99% Availability	Availability vatlhvI’HutHut	It’s always available.	Reliable Access to Your Applications For this Tier 1 service we guarantee that your applications are available when you need them, minimizing down time to .876 hours in a calendar year.
High Performance	Haq ‘Itlh	That’s nice. I’m not paying for it.	Highest Performing Server Available Ideal for production applications, our servers provide the fastest end-to-end response times of any servers on the market today.
24x7 Support	Support cha’loS x soch	If you do not answer my call immediately I will hunt you down and sit on you and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. And, I’m not paying for it.	Critical Support for Critical Needs Sometimes you need the extra coverage of 24 x 7 support provided in this premium package. Service requests and incidents are acknowledged within 1 hour during local business hours.
Backup and Restore	Chach ‘ej tI’	Can I get the restore option without the backup bit?  I’m not paying for it.	You Deserve Peace of Mind We perform nightly backups and store data up to 6 months. Restoration is guaranteed within 3 business days.
Secured System	Pat ngaQ	Seriously? I want it now.	Full Protection We employ the most advanced data encryption tools available, ensuring that all data entering and leaving our network are in compliance with regulatory standards.
Continuous Improvement	taH Dub	Good for YOU!!	Getting The Job Done We take our service seriously, and are constantly monitoring and managing to the highest standards in service delivery and excellence.

 

And might I suggest this lovely Star Trek Engineering and Security t-shirt as a gift for your favorite IT peson?

 

Happy Holidays!

-Carol

PS. Check back next week for our New Years Data Center Haiku contest!

 

Comments

[Jack]

Awesome.